If Matt Groening Created Harry Potter
by Nimrochan
Summary: Old fic. Stupid & funny fic. Kind of a parody of the episode of The Simpsons when Sideshow Bob worked at the construction site, only it's Voldemort. Also, Hermione gets Mad Griffin Disease. Takes place during OOTP.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, then it wouldn't be for little kids evil grin …and I also don't own the Wicked Witch song or the Lumberjack song.

**Important Note:** OK, so it's called "If Matt Groening Created Harry Potter" because that's how I imagined it in my head...I just hope I can convey the Simpson-ish imagery and humor. Anyway, this is sort of a parody of the episode when Sideshow Bob got a job at the construction site.

So just imagine the characters as yellow cartoons with overbites :P

* * *

**At Number 12, Grimmauld Place**

"Oh, look at that," said Molly Weasley, putting down her cup of coffee as she straightened her newspaper.

"What is it, dear?" asked Arthur Weasley from across the table.

"It's that Umbridge woman," said Mrs. Weasley, showing the newspaper to her husband. Sirius, Lupin, and Tonks all got up and walked around the table to read the headline:

_Savage Werewolves Kill Dolores Jane Umbridge After She Calls Them "Savage"_

"Oh…I _do _hope her former students aren't upset about this," said Mrs. Weasley in a worried tone.

**At Hogwarts, the Gryffindor Common Room**

_"Ding Dong!_

_The Witch is dead_

_Which old Witch?_

_The Wicked Witch!_

_Ding Dong!_

_The Wicked Witch is dead!"_

The Gryffindors were singing at the top of their lungs, slopping butterbeer all over themselves while doing a ridiculous square dance.

_"Wake up, sleepy head_

_Rub your eyes_

_Get out of bed_

_Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead_

_She's gone where the goblins go_

_Below, below, below_

_Yo-oh, let's open up and sing_

_And ring the bells out_

_Ding Dong_

_The merry-oh_

_Sing it high_

_Sing it low_

_Let them know_

_The Wicked Witch is dead!"_

**Back at Grimmauld Place**

"Er…Remus?" asked Sirius apprehensively.

"Yes?"

"You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?"

"Why, of course not!" Lupin looked appalled at Sirius. "How could you ask such a thing? Just because _I'm _a werewolf-" He suddenly began coughing violently. Then a small, black velvet bow with a bite mark on it came out of his mouth and landed on the table in front of him. Sirius, Tonks, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley all stared at him.

"Erm…heh." Lupin smiled sheepishly at them. "Now, I know what you're thinking, but-" He started coughing again. This time a skeleton came out of his mouth. It looked as though it belonged to a short, round person. The others continued to stare. "Oh, I just remembered- I have to go…erm…set my…my house…on fire." And with that, he Disapparated.

**The Great Hall, the following morning**

"Urgh…I don't feel so good," said Ron as he sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"I know…me neither," said Harry, sitting at the table and then putting his head down.

"Well, it's no wonder, really," said Hermione disapprovingly, though she could barely contain her smile, "after all that butterbeer you two drank last night."

"It was worth it," said Ron, grinning despite his nausea.

"I know," said Harry, lifting his head so that he could take the newspaper from the owl that had just arrived. "Umbridge…dead…Who could ask for more?" He was actually hoping to read the newspaper and find that Snape had been killed by a Blast-Ended Screwt or something, but it was in vain.

"Hm…looks like another person was diagnosed with Mad Griffin Disease," he said. "I'm starting to worry about it. What do you think, Ron?"

Ron quickly swallowed his food (which was quite a feat considering his eating habits) and said "But I thought it was only transmitted to women!"

"Oh yeah, you're right," said Harry. "So what about you, Hermione? Are you worried?"

She turned to him, smiling. "Oh, I'm not worried. I'm a canoe."

Harry and Ron stared at her, hoping to see a sign that she was kidding. However, she merely gazed into space, a blank smile upon her face. Harry and Ron exchanged worried looks.

**Meanwhile, at Voldemort's Headquarters**

Wormtail was just putting the usual antidepressant into Voldemort's evening tea when his master burst in through the door, Lucius Malfoy at his heels.

"Sir, I don't know how this happened!" stammered Lucius.

"Well, you better fix it!" yelled Voldemort. "Of all the idiotic purebloods out there it just had to be _your son!"_

"My Lord," said Wormtail, "what happened?"

"What happened? _What happened?_ I'LL BLOODY TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!"

**Flashback in Snape's Office**

Narcissa Malfoy was sobbing loudly into her handkerchief. Snape tried his best to cheer her up.

"Now, now, Mrs. Malfoy-"

"How c-could this h-happen?"

"It could happen to anyone-"

"But where d-did we g-go wr-wr-wrong? Why Dracie?"

"Are you sure he-?"

"YES!" She sobbed harder into her handkerchief. "There he was…t-talking about this- this- this _eBay_ thing…Oh, one day he'll j-just break his w-wand and join the Muggles! I just kn-know it!"

"Now, I'm sure it's not that bad-"

Suddenly, the door to the office burst open and Draco came in, holding something in his hands. "Hey did you guys see the new Stewie Griffin movie? It was awesome!" he said, showing them the DVD.

After a moment's silence, in which Snape and Mrs. Malfoy stared at Draco, Mrs. Malfoy gave a loud howl of despair and buried her face in the handkerchief once more.

**Back at Voldie's HQ**

"It is most appalling, my Lord," said Wormtail indifferently, giving his master the newly made antidepressant tea.

"Sir, I'm sure it's just a phase!" pleaded Lucius. "If you just let me speak to him-"

"Yes, go speak to him!" shrieked Voldemort.

"I shall!"

"Remind him whose son he is!"

"I'll tell him, my Lord! I'll tell him he should be proud that he is the heir to the owner of the best shampoo out there- Luscious Locks of Lucius!"

Voldemort stared at him. "What?"

"I said I'll tell him he should be proud-"

"No, no, the bit about the shampoo."

"He is the heir of the owner of the Luscious Locks of Lucius Corporation?"

"…Is…is this how you've been making your money?"

"Why, yes, sir."

"By selling shampoo?"

"The best damn-"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

Voldemort paused, staring at him incredulously. Then he said, "Lucius, Wormtail, I need to be alone."

"Yes, my Lord," the both said and turned to leave.

"Oh, and Wormtail?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Go find out if any other Death Eaters have such incredibly stupid careers."

"Yes, sir," said Wormtail, leaving.

Voldemort sighed and sat down, drinking his tea and thinking.

**At the back of the Transfiguration Classroom**

"_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay._

_I sleep all night. I work all day,"  
_

sang Hermione softly under her breath as she stared vacantly at the ceiling. Harry and Ron stared at her, unable to listen to Professor McGonagoll's lecture.

_"I cut down trees. I eat my lunch._

_I go to the lavatory._

On Wednesdays I go shopping

_And have buttered scones for tea."  
_

"Shouldn't we tell someone?" Ron asked Harry, looking at Hermione worryingly.

_"I cut down trees. I skip and jump._

_I like to press wild flowers._

I put on women's clothing

_And hang around in bars."  
_

"You heard the announcement," whispered Harry. "Madam Pomfry is working on a cure, and the entire hospital wing is full of people with Mad Griffin Disease."

_"I cut down trees. I wear high heels,_

_Suspendies, and a bra._

I wish I'd been a girlie,

_Just like my dear Papa."  
_

"But look at her, Harry!" said Ron desperately.

"It's not serious, she'll be fine," said Harry. "We just need to keep an eye on her, that's all-"

"Potter!" snapped Professor McGonagoll, making Harry and Ron jump. "Why are you speaking when I am speaking? Where are your manners? Is this how you were raised?"

Suddenly, Harry's childhood flashed before his eyes…the constant beatings from Dudley, the insults from his uncle, the hatred of his aunt…

Harry turned to Ron. "Why do people expect so much from me?" he asked Ron sadly.

* * *

Too tired to continue right now…

For those of you don't know me, I live in Florida, **AND I AM TOTALLY MOVING OUT! SPOOTY HURRICANES!**

I have no school, so this fic resulted from my boredom. If this fic sucks, please don't hesitate to tell me. I don't think I will be adding any more songs...

And I promise to continue my hurricane fic! Eventually!

OK, shutting up now.


End file.
